Babies and Bdays

That was such a dreary post about my niece coming into the world. As the days go by I get more and more excited about her. Only her parents and grandparents can go see her and I’m very disappointed about that. She is most beautiful and precious. I wish I could hold her.

I have to schedule a CT to see what’s going on with my back and stomach. I’ve been having some pains on my lower stomach and back. The pain goes all the way around and is sometimes unbearable. I thought I had a UTI but that’s not the case. My doc wants to check my kidneys. I don’t know what to expect, but I really don’t think they’re going to find the problem.

Tomorrow’s my bday. I’m not doing anything special, just  making myself some red velvet cupcakes. Ahhh, I love those so much—the cream cheese icing is my favorite part. I think holidays and bdays are all about food. I’ve never really celebrated my bday, even my ’sweet sixteen’. I was at home all day. I was experimenting with drugs then, just trying them out to see how I liked them b/c everyone else was doing it. I didn’t like it. Weed made me twitch and I felt plain stupid. I would pop a few pills here and there. I liked the sleep effect. I have a little cold, too, so i definitely won’t be doing much of anything. Anyway, I would really like to hold my niece for my bday, that would be nice.

it’s a girl

My little niece was born last night almost 2 months early. She’s 4 pounds 6 ounces and 16 inches. Nobody is ready for this, especially the mother. I was praying and hoping that they could stop the labor, but she obviously was ready to come out. We didn’t know what she was having until she went into labor so we need to shop, shop, shop. She has to stay in the hospital for 2 to 3 weeks b/c her lungs aren’t fully developed. She doesn’t have anything to come home to so thank God we have 2 weeks to prepare.

Bdays and Birth Control

Today is my nephew’s fourth birthday and I am not looking forward to going to his party. I wish he would start acting like he’s four instead of two. He figures he can act that way b/c his cousin is that age. He’s going backwards in his life; falling out, talking like a baby, getting jealous and rebelling (maybe the last one is not going backwards). But it’s just not cute. I come from a black family and a black church, the kind of people who would say things like, “Before we go over these people house Ima tell you right now you better get in there, find a spot and sit down. Don’t ask can you go to the bathroom, don’t roam around going in other rooms. . . I’m only gon’ give you that look once and if you don’t stop. . .” (my pastor just actually said something along these lines). You know the look your mother would give you if you were doing something you know you had no business doing and you would stop doing that thing b/c you were afraid of what would happen next. Nowadays, these children, toddlers, babies, whatever you call them, don’t listen to anything. You could whip their asses up and down the street, but they still don’t give a damn. You can give them as many threats as you want to, but they’re still going to do that thing they’re not supposed to be doing right in your face. No stereotyping or racial sayings here but remember when everyone would say, “Only white people put their kids in time out or make them leave the dinner table and go to bed hungry,” well that shit works. My nephew likes to watch tv all day so when he’s acting like he’s two around me, I make him go lay in his bed with the light and the tv off, or I just make him stand in the corner for a good 30 minutes to an hour. That does more than a whipping or a threat will do any day.

I have the freaking best birth control in the world: two bad nephews. Which reminds me my doc took me off of my birth control b/c they may be giving me high blood pressure. I know I talk about God and church a lot on here so I’ll say this: I was on the birth control to regulate my period. I won’t say anything else about it. Since I don’t have my friend anymore, I’m back to spending 3 days out of the month in bed with the most excruciating pain and other things I won’t mention. My doc suggested giving me NuvaRing or Mirena, one of those that releases progestin, but I’m not for having something stuck up in me for God knows how long with a string hanging. No. I can’t take any of the shots or the pills or the patches b/c “my body is not responding well with them.” This sucks.

The Best of Me

I went on to photo shoot with my sister on Saturday. The theme was fall so the shoot was in a park. I had a really good time. Back in the day (a couple of years ago) I wanted to be a model, but I changed my mind. I knew I made the right decision when I went to the photo shoot. It was fun, maybe the best time I’ve had in long time, but it’s not something that I’m passionate about. It’s a nice, sinless hobby and if I get “discovered” while doing it, even better. My sister is really into it, though and, might I add, amazing.

 

My sister is really stressing me out (not the one I went on the photo shoot with). She’s 7 months pregnant with her second child. In the past she has had an abusive boyfriend and it seems like she attracting them b/c this one is abusive too. I can’t deal with her crying and I just . . . I don’t know how to put it. I have too much to deal with myself and being around her makes it worst for me. It sounds mean, I know, but there’s more to the story. I try to force myself to be nice around her, to act like I care but I usually fail. I’m being selfish in this situation, but I don’t know how to care. I’m going through so much inside of myself and it’s hard to care.

The lady who gave me the money at church hasn’t been there the past two Sundays. I kind of felt like she wasn’t coming back when she gave it to me. There was just something about the whole situation . . . it gave me an uneasy feeling. I don’t want to give the card to her mother, but I might have to.

The man at church, of course, stared at me during the service. But (I cannot believe this. I was flabbergasted, blown away), he didn’t linger, waiting for me to walk past him to give me a hug. Jesus, that was the freaking best moment of my life. I felt so relieved, so relieved. Now all he needs to do is change his damn seat. He sits in the perfect place to stare at me. I’m starting to hate this man b/c he makes me so uncomfortable. I can’t make my praise substantial b/c I feel him staring at me. I can’t concentrate on the sermon b/c I’m worrying about him touching me when church is over. Just the thought of him touching me makes me gag. When I am around him I want to shrink away and die.

I’m not over-exaggerating, this is exactly how I feel. I never actually panic when I’m around him b/c I don’t look at his face. If I were to look at his face, I don’t know what I would do. He disgusts me. I never thought I could feel this way about someone. I’ve had people do some unsound, damaging things to me and I don’t feel this way about them. Maybe it’s just the way he looks at me, like he thinks it’s ok to look at me like that. Or the way he touches me when he gives me a hug. He does it like we’ve been intimate, like he’s letting me know he wants to be intimate (I’m saying it in the nicest way possible). My mother even looks at him and says, “Why does he look at you like that?” She says he looks like a pervert. I didn’t want to say that but he does. I don’t think there’s a specific look for a pervert,but that’s the only way to describe him. He fits the description,whatever it may be, perfectly.

I’m praying that he never speaks to me again. I’m afraid of him.

Music heals all wounds, not time. I guess you have to live in the moment and nothing enhances any moment like music. Nothing makes me feel better than music does. I’m a newborn in this Christianity thing so I don’t know any tricks to getting through tough times. All I know is music can take the pain away. Dancing, moving, feeling the music, there is nothing like it. I guess like Bob Dylan I’ll keep on Pressin On. I don’t have any other choice.

But, right now, while I’m listening to some of my favorite songs, I am in a Sweet Disposition. I am in the land of milk and honey and loving every moment of it.

Major Tom

I just named this post Major Tom b/c I was listening to Shiny Toy Guns.

 

Last Sunday was a typical Sunday, but with a few surprises. I met this woman at church back in maybe early May. Half of the row in front of me was filled with young men. My mother was embarrassing me. She wanted me to put my nephew down so they wouldn’t think that I had any children. She’s like, “Ooh, which one of them do you like? I like this one, and that one too.” I see this lady behind me and she’s laughing. We start talking about it and we’ve been talking every Sunday since. She’s beautiful and very sweet. She comes to church with her daughter, who’s about 10, and her mother. We sit in the same section, but not always close to each other. When we’re not sitting close i would always make it a point to go hug her and tell her hello and goodbye when church was over. I had come to see her as family, just as I do so many other people in church. This past Sunday, she spotted me, got up and handed me an envelope. Church was almost over and before I could get a chance to hug her goodbye, she was gone.

The man also came to church that Sunday. He came by me to walk me out, I guess, and put his arm around me. I was so, so, so, so, so uncomfortable. I blurted out, “Why do you have your arm around me?” He got offended b/c of the way I said it and took his hand away quickly, thank God. I hope I made the guy back off when I yelled at him. We shall see on Sunday.

I opened the envelope when I was about a block from the church. I was expecting a note or something of that nature. Imagine my surprise when I pulled out a hundred dollars. I was shocked. I started crying. I looked for a note explaining why, but there was nothing else there. I wanted to understand why she had given me this money.

Over the past year, I’ve had an unusual amount of people who don’t know me give me things, expensive things. I don’t know what this means. I never understand it.

Late spring, I was walking into church and this woman stopped me and asked if I wore a 6 or a 6 1/2. She showed me these beautiful red leather boots. She said that her sister bought them for 200 dollars and wore them once, but they were too small. She gave them to me. I didn’t understand how, when thousands of people go to my church, I received those shoes. I’m sure a lot of women in there wore a size 6.

About a month ago, I met this man at one of my doctor’s offices. He’s the supervisor there. I had had a procedure done and he came by to see how I was doing when I woke up. I noticed a cross around his neck and asked him what church he went to. He told me he used to be a priest and showed me a picture. He gave me a cd of some spiritual music. I went to a waiting room to get my results. He came in and gave me his number and said to call him if I needed anything, he also gave me a beautiful necklace. He said that he wore it everyday for about 8 years. He said it would keep me safe in this world. I talked to him again over the phone and through texting. He said he wanted to give me another necklace, and low and behold, two weeks later when I went for my follow up appointment, he gave me another beautiful necklace. I wear these necklaces everyday, even if they don’t match with what I have on.

I love these people. They made me feel special. They made me feel like I matter to them, and they don’t even know me. Right now, for Christmas,  I’m looking for a gift for the guy who gave me the necklaces. I’m going to get a thank you card for the lady who gave me the money. I need to write her a note also to tell her how much it meant to me. I’ve never seen the woman again who gave me the shoes.

Every time I receive something from someone, it’s related to God (the man was a priest, I go to church with these people). Maybe He’s trying to tell me something. If He is, I have no idea what it is.

Church of Scientology

I have a huge infatuation with Scientology and I read an article about it last night. France and the Church of Scientology go way back. France had always thought of Scientology as a sect, not a religion, so I’m sure they were elated to convict the Church of Scientology of organized fraud.

If you don’t know what Scientology is, here’s a definition from their site: “Scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life. The religion comprises a body of knowledge extending from certain fundamental truths…” There’s much more to it but . . . it’s just too much. Anyway, France convicted them b/c “new recruits were tricked out of their savings.”

Sorry, I don’t want to offend any Scientologists, but I think it’s hilarious. If you are practicing a religion, you should want your followers to be happy and have the best in life, not dupe them out of their savings. You don’t have them spend 20,000 euros on vitamins and life-improvement courses. I’m laughing while I’m writing this. I think the core, one of the most basic but most important, teachings in most religions is to treat others how you want to be treated. It’s so funny how countries like mine allow this Church of Scientology to be a full blown tax-exempt religion.

 

she’s just not that into you

I couldn’t get a free moment to post anything on Sunday. I really wanted to b/c I had such a good day and I wanted the feeling to be fresh and still there, but it has dwindled a bit. Church was great. I had fun during praise and worship and the sermon was amazing. I’m so glad that I haven’t been seeing this man who totally freaks me out. He always looks at me like he wants to eat me when I walk past, reaching his arms out for a hug. I’m all about showing the Christian love to my fellow members, but this guy gets a rise out of me hugging him.

I usually spend the rest of my Sunday with my great-grandparents. When I got there, Grandma was in good spirits: “Hi sweetie girl,” she always says. I go and sit with Poppie and watch the news for a few. They were talking about Bernie Madoff and his friend, I guess he was, who was found dead in his pool. When they see Madoff they say, “There’s old Madoff. He made off with all the money.”  Anyway, Grandma had these beautiful flowers on the table. I took a pic, but not a very good one.

Later, I sat down in the kitchen for a snack with Grandma and we talked about her week. She told me that her and Poppie got into it and she got a knife and threatened him. She eventually calmed down: “I put the knife down . . . not very easily, but . . .”

We had dinner and watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Gosh, this post would have been so much better if I’d written it on Sunday. I tend to forget things fast. I guess I should keep a diary to help me out, but I don’t really have time for that.

 

The “weird date” with the guy didn’t work out. I realized I didn’t like him in that way. I’m trying to avoid him for the moment until I can figure out what to tell him. I’m usually straight forward with these kinds of things, but I consider him a friend and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

About the Walmart thing, I notice so many people there hanging out like it’s the new mall or something. That’s why I said it was a weird date. Why do people hang out at Walmart like that? It gets so crowded and stupid like it’s the first of the month and I’m just like, geez, what’s wrong with you? Buy something and leave. Btw I never go to the store on the first, it’s horrible. Now I’m rethinking going to Walmart at night b/c it’s just like the first.

 

I met this other guy at church about a month ago. He is about 10 years older than me. He’s kind of established his life and I’m still trying to start mine. It seems like all he needs is the wife and the kids and it’s just weird. I feel like Woody Allen’s girlfriend, or whatever she was, in Manhattan. She was like 17 and he was 42. I liked their relationship, though, it was cute. I wouldn’t exactly call a relationship with me and this guy cute. I don’t think we fit together. I can’t blame the non-chemistry on the age difference, I’m just not that into him.

 

 

 

Playlists and Walmart

Right now I’m listening to  Michael Andrews Mad World. It was originally done by Tears for Fears but I guess it was redone for the movie Donnie Darko. I LOVE Donnie Darko; it’s one of my favorite movies ever. Not a lot of movies can compete with Donnie Darko. Anyway, I can say that I really identify with this song: “Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrows/No tomorrow, no tomorrow . . . The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had” Here I go sounding like a psycho again.

Now I’m listening to Phoenix 1901. Love, love, love, love, love this song! First heard it on the Cadillac commercial and I had to hear the full version. I have a bunch of saved messages in my phone to myself reminding me what I want to look up on the internet. To find this song, I had to put 2010 Cadillac   commercial song but before I could look it up, I saw Phoenix on Fuse and I was so excited like, “That’s Phoenix?!” Anyway, this song makes me so happy. I just want to get up and dance–”hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” This is the song that I belt out in the shower everyday. Love it!

Shakira Good Stuff, I love this song. “I know just what you want, and I like that.” I love the way it breaks down on the chorus, makes me want to get up and rock my hips. Hope she makes a video for it. Her new album is not really what I’m used to from her, but I still like it. “Watch my body get low, uh.” I will be getting some good workouts belly dancing to this album. Love Shakira, she’s my favorite artist.

” . . . And a Jay-Z song was on . . .” Go Miley, this is a nice song. Miley Cyrus Party in the USA. Don’t listen to much of her but I really like this song. This song makes me happy. It’s a party in the USA.

Those were just a few songs on my playlist today. Music really saved my life. Just listening and feeling it and dancing takes so much pressure and anxiety away.

I went on a wild goose chase for some black die for my pants. There’s a Walgreens down the street from my house so I’m thinking,  Great, I don’t have to go all the way to Walmart, but I do.

Today I called this guy that I know. I hadn’t talked to him in a while b/c I stopped calling him. I was thinking about him a lot and just wanted to see how he was doing. He was so surprised when I called. It made him happy, so it made me happy. I asked him to take me to Walmart as kind of a weird date. He’s sweet and we actually have a few things in common.

This post is so unorganized, but that’s what I felt like writing today. I had to change my theme. I think it was adding to the depressing vibe in my posts. I was looking at the pink one with the flowers (I think it had flowers) but it just wasn’t me. This one is ok for now, but I might change it. I want to change the name of my blog too. I know I’m definitely ineffable to myself, but it’s just time for a change.

I decided to start fresh on this blog. I went back and read my posts and I felt like a crazy person.

Things have really turned around for me. My relationship with God is getting stronger everyday. I guess since the spiritual aspect of my life is going good then the rest of my life should be too, but not so much. I just lost someone or something really, but not really. How could you lose something you never had? I got myself all excited about this person or this idea and it just blew up over a phone conversation. I smiled through it and even still enjoyed the conversation. I was just elated to talk to this person and savored every moment. Reality hit me, though, when the conversation ended. I called my best friend and she shared my disappointment. It made me feel better to have someone feel the same way I did, or still do.

Now I’m trying to move forward. But how can I move forward when I hadn’t moved anywhere in the first place? The idea of this thing happening and changing my life changed me. I was sort of having faith in God and trying to trust that it would work out, but it didn’t. I don’t know His reasons for doing this, but as long as His will is being done in my life, I will trust Him through it all–or at least try.

I don’t feel as bad as I did earlier, I’m actually kind of happy. I hope I can start writing more, and I really hope I won’t sound like a psycho doing it.